awkwardly staring at people over coffee

Old Man Spock:  And how are you doing?

Douchey Spock:  I’m doing well.  Did you see my girlfriend?  

Old Man Spock:  Indeed.  Do you think it would be possible if… well logically we ARE the same person.

Douchey Spock:  Negative.

Old Man Spock:  Yes, I thought not.  Could I possibly stay in your apartment when you are out in Space?  I have no available currency. 

Douchey Spock:  I will see what I can arrange.

Old Man Spock:  I currently live under an overpass.

Douchey Spock:  I will see what I can arrange.

Old Man Spock:  Very well.  I would also enjoy access to your liquor cabinet.  How are you handling the death of our mother?

Douchey Spock:  A bit troubled.  I did not realize she was Winona Ryder until after her death.  As you may have heard, I tried to choke Kirk.  I find his lips too puffy.  Are you troubled by the fact everything in your life no longer occurred? 

Old Man Spock:  An unfortunate circumstance indeed.  Fortunately, I believe I no longer am entangled in a lawsuit related to salacious advertisements I participated in for the amazing x-99 secret camera.

Douchey Spock:  Very well then.  I must go now because by my calculations there is a 97.4% chance Uhura will leave me within the next week for someone who does not lose command of their vessel to a cadet within 48 hours of taking off.  Please tell me quickly, do you  have any wisdom to provide me on mistakes that you made in life that I could possibly avoid?

Old Man Spock:  Well Spock, I believe I did a good job being a likable and resourceful crew member of the Enterprise.  I was aided by the fact that in my space-time, Captain Kirk was continuously inept and allowed me ample opportunities to appear smart.  By my observations, this new Kirk is much more functional and you appear to be a douchebag.  I might suggest renting the film Star Wars as apparently the writers of our latest film did.  I viewed this film and now walk around in a robe, live in caves, and attempt to help disable planet-destroying technologies.  Basically,  I do my best to be as much like Obi Wan Kenobi as possible.  I believe you are a little too much like Luke Skywalker.  It took two Master Jedis the better course of two films to make him less of an infantlie asshole.

Douchey Spock:  Very well then.  I believe I will be unable to provide you with living quarters.

Old Man Spock:  So be it. 

Four months and seven days ago a young mexican child brought forth on this continent, a new flu, conceived between man and swine, and dedicated to the proposition that Americans could be eradicated from this earth.

Now we are engaged in a great biological war, testing whether that flu, or any flu so conceived and dedicated, can kill every last one of us.  We are met on a great parking lot of a Wal-Mart where beneath this asphault, covered in lye, are many of your swine-ridden neighbors.  We have come to dedicate a portion of this lot, as a final resting place for those who were too obese and disgusting to bury in their own individual graves.  It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.  

But in a larger sense, we can not consecrate – we cannot hallow – this ground.  The brave men, the board of directors at Wal-Mart, have consecrated it with their every day low prices, far above our poor power to add or detract.  The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, mainly because outside of America it appears everyone else is dead.  It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who are buried here have thus so far so nobly advanced.  It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us – that from these infected dead we take increased devotion to making sure we wash our hands- that we here highly resolve that we shall not die in vain like them – that this nation, free from Swine, shall have many births to replenish our military- and that our government, with treasury bonds backed by Wal-Mart, shall rebuild, shall not get too close to Mexican birds or pigs, and shall not perish from the earth.

1. Do not mention Band of Brothers.  Do not bring up anything good the U.S.A. has ever done.
2. Do not use personal pronouns when discussing the actions of the U.S.A.  “We won the war!” “We have a black president!”
3. Sell your ipod earbuds.  Replace them with full-sized headphones.
4. When presented with a tough problem, give up and then smoke a cigarette.
5. Replace your Nikes with Pumas.  Replace your shorts with jeans.  Throw away your razor.  (Men and women)
6. European girls believe Chuck Taylor’s are cool.  Do not tell them otherwise.
7. When you eat at McDonald’s (and you will) pretend you are doing it ironically.  Note- Ketchup is not free.
8. Pretend you know and care about contemporary European politics.  (Even though you don’t and you don’t.)
9. Do you like soft towels fresh out of the dryer?  Do you love fabric softener?  Europe does not.  Do not complain that the towels feel like sandpaper.
10. The ratio of waiters to customers at Chili’s is 1:2.  The ratio in Europe is 1:15.  Pretend you like waiting forever to pay for a refill.
11. Buy a book by Sartre.  You can probably find one on sale for $.50 at Books-a-Million.  Rip the cover off.  Paste the cover onto your Lonely Planet.  Read proudly on the U-bahn.
12. If you are wearing pants or a long sleeve shirt do not wear flip-flops.
13. I know you want to take photos of yourself jumping in front of the Eiffel tower.  I know you want a photo of your friends propping up the Leaning Tower of Pisa.  If you must take these types of photos, try smoking Camels while doing so.  Also, for every two photos you take try and make one disparaging remark about US Healthcare.
14. If you must smile, try not to show all of your teeth.  If your teeth are bleached (and they are) gargle black tea for the Euro look.
15. Do not admit to owning or using a microwave.  Should you stumble upon a European microwave, do not express shock at its size.  It will be smaller than a child’s shoe.

So, my friend challenged me to change my style of blogging.  Instead of writing a really long and boring thing once every 5 months that no one will read, he told me to try writing short things at least once a day for 5 days that no one will read.  Here we go:

I’m back in Vienna.  Now that the weather is warm there are tons of Americans that suddenly appeared out of nowhere.  They carry around crumpled maps and bump into people on the street.  Today, I went to Café Weimar for lunch.  Café Weimar is a place where really fucking old Austrian people go to scowl at each other and pay a lot for Schnitzel.  I think someone smiled there once back in 1936… the Nazis killed him.  While waiting at Weimar for my waiter to come over and listen to me mispronounce my order I began to feel confused and upset.  I realized that he would not think of me as a hip American ex-pat as I assume all Austrians did when I lived here in the winter.  Back then, it was far too cold and depressing for anyone to be a tourist.  Now that it’s warm, he would think I was a mouth-breathing American tourist who had accidentally wandered into Weimar and didn’t know a Cappuccino from a Melange.  (There is no difference and I know it… fuck you Vienna and fuck you Weimar!!!)  That is all.  

She spoke in dialect I could not understand
But one thing that she made clear
There was no coming on to her
There was no intellect
That she could respect
If it couldn’t see
That the girl just wants to be
Left alone with Marx and Engels for a while
She’s writing in the style
Of any riot girl

- belle & sebastian

It’s kind of hard to write about phil for a few different reasons.  To begin, it’s been a while since my only other cafe review and there is a high % chance this website will wither and die along with most of the internet.  Second, phil is essentially perfect.  Does a cafe review website end once it’s Moses has found the promised land?  Calm yourself dear readers, for the moment no.  I will continue so that you might find a nice place to go to wherever you are.  Without writing on this blog once every 3 years I may accidentally be productive and get promoted at work.

Why is phil perfect?

I guess this question is really, what is cafe perfection?  To be perfect you have to meet the immediate requirements.  Phil has reliable WLAN (the password is clapyourhands) and ample power plugs.  phil has great food.  They have food if you want to be unhealthy (1 paar frankfurter mit senf & kren & gebäck- a hot dog, roll and mustard and fresh horseradish).  Only in Vienna can you order a hot dog essentially anywhere at any time and still be seen as classy.  Somehow the Austrians manage to maintain culinary snobbery over the US while eating food that could be sold at McDonalds.  They eat hot dogs and they drink canned beer on the subway.  Living here makes it obvious while they never got along with the French.

They also have food if you want to be healthy.  A Nashmarkt Blume- a bunch of fresh vegetables on a semmel roll.  I don’t know why exactly, but it really is the best vegetarian thing ever.  It has a lot of hummous and arugula and the roll is very soft.  If you are only at phil for one day I’d get the Nashmarkt Blume.  Finally, if you want to be somewhat healthy but still feel like you ate too much, the fünf falafel plate is great.  It tastes great and is so dense will make you feel a little like throwing up.  It’s probably best to split it with another person.  The coffee is also great.  Their latte is the best thing they have.  It’s not on the menu but everyone seems to be drinking it.

Beyond the basic requirements, phil is a winner because of it’s vibe.  Walking into phil feels like walking into someone’s basement during a relaxed house party.  All of the furniture inside of phil is used and is available for sale.  The floorplan is random, with lots of couches and a few rooms with ceilings of various heights.  This adds to the houseparty vibe.  There is often a DJ playing great music.  (Lots of Fleetfoxes and Wilco)  They have a wide selection of books and music that are way too expensive to purchase (18euros!) but fun to look at.  There is also friendly service which can be a rarity in Vienna.  Coming from the US, it’s nice to return to the land of cafes with waitstaff.

The people are also relaxed, cool, and cute.  I’ve been thinking lately about how best to describe Austrian cafe dwellers.  (Speaking about phil-type cafes, not traditional style).  I think I’m on to something.  In most ways they dress and act like San Franciscans.  They are environmentally and politically conscious, and have similar hipster-wear.  The difference is that San Franciscans often do these things for the sake of identifying themselves.  In Vienna, these same things are defacto.  Nobody impresses people by sorting their garbage, it’s legally required.

In conclusion, phil does everything well and is a great place, perhaps the perfect place, to waste an afternoon.

I decided I’d start my blog off strong and tackle an iconic cafe. No wasting our time talking about a shitty place people only go to when the good places are closed. (Sorry javalencia)

The people:

Ritual is a live definition of the SF hipster-scene. The average guy here has a scruffy beard, a half sleeve of black tattoos, is in their mid 20s, and is ardently flunking psychology at SF State or City College. The average girl has dark hair, bangs, and is a waitress/writer/part-time student. Everyone looks kind of greasy. Like they took a shower but didn’t use any soap. At any point between 80-100% of the people are carrying Chrome bags. (The messenger bag with the little seatbelt fastener) That being said, Ritual is defined by it’s customers so let’s consider a sample of people.

Knitting Guy

One of the regulars at ritual is a guy that likes to knit and looks like that frizzy, big-haired big guy from Hollywood Squares. From what I can tell, he has defined himself by his love for knitting and knitwear. Every time I’ve seen him he has either been advocating knitting or holding some kind of knitting paraphernalia. I think one time he indirectly hit on my friend while talking about his latest project. I don’t know how much he was into knitting before Ritual, but I think have having a public forum has allowed him to serve as an ambassador to his craft. Ritual seems to attract a lot of individuals who publicly define themselves through one activity.

Fingerless Glove girl

There are many girls at Ritual who wear fingerless gloves. One time I tried to flirt with one of these girls. We chatted for a few hours and she turned out to be Colombian. She talked at length about how Americans seemed like friendly people but often took your number or email address with no intention to actually call. I took her email address, emailed, and received no response. Months later I ran into her at Ritual and she acted friendly but I was still miffed so I acted aloof. Things like this happen often at Ritual.

J V

I have a friend of mine named JV who I meet regularly at Ritual. He lives in the Marina and works south of the city for a financial company. He wears khakis and a button-up to work. I’ll usually text him around 5pm before he gets off and see if he wants to hang out and grab something to eat. He will then drive all the way past Ritual to his apt in the Marina, change into some kind of ironic graphic-T and high-top sneakers, then drive back down to Ritual. He regularly refers to the denizens of Ritual as urchins (sometimes true) and says it smells like a toilet (always true). He likes it though and still feels the need to transform himself to fit in. The only other cafe he transforms for is Cafe Revolution.

The coffee:

The coffee is great and probably my favorite in SF. I always get a double cappuccino. It makes me sufficiently cracked-out so if i’m still thirsty I’ll follow with some iced black lychee tea. JV swears by the clover coffee. I don’t know the mechanics behind clover coffee but it’s expensive and is basically a large cafe americano. All the cool regulars order a ‘Gibraltar’. It’s a concentrated, latte-ish drink served in a small glass. I don’t like it b/c I prefer something to sip but those that like the Gibraltar rarely order anything else.

Everything else:

The biggest downside to Ritual is the food. There are actually more flies inside the food cabinet at Ritual then the surrounding fifty blocks of the mission. The Vegan desserts should be avoided at all costs. I don’t think anyone at Ritual is actually Vegan so the same butterless donuts have sat there since it opened. As an alternative I suggest Serrano’s Pizza a block away. For 4 dollars they will make a fresh ’slice’ of pizza that is actually the size of a small pizza. They don’t seem to do a lot of business so JV thinks it’s a drug front. The wifi at Ritual is reliable but there are no outlets. There used to be outlets that were free for everyone. Then, they added signs that said don’t use the outlets on the weekend. Finally, they ripped them out of the wall. I have two batteries for my laptop so I laugh at electricity nazis.

Is this place cool?

This is kind of a hard question. The music is pretty terrible. Everything seems to be ironic (Thriller) or Dylan’s greatest hits. You won’t learn new music from going there. The logo is somewhat socialist but business is good, the coffee is not cheap, and Ritual is expanding across SF. They even sell t-shirts and other Ritual-themed material. The place isn’t really cool anymore, but it is very emblematic of the evolution of the Mission.

Overall Verdict:

Ritual is great. The coffee is good, the people are fun, and you can sit all day and stare at people and still not be the creepiest person there.